He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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