If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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