Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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