Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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