bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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