I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize