Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
