i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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