oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
