So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
