Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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