That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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