I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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