Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
