sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
