The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
