Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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