so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize