But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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