a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
