Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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