Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
