I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
