feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
All the doctor said was why
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize