So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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