My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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