He kissed a someone with a penis
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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