I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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