90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
