i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
