Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
