he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
