I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
