It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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