New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
