Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
