Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
