worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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