and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
