i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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