went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
