Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
