I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
