I'm lost and stupid without you.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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