mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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