I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
