he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
