you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize