these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize