sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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