I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
