He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Randomize
