I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
