i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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