She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
