so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
