member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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