where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
